The Evening Star
by Dead Heavenly
Summary: Jacob has waited years for me to start loving him the way he loves me. I've never been ready before. Now, I know that I can fall in love and I want to drown in the feeling of it. The only problem is, Jake isn't the one I gave my heart to. My first story in the Twilight verse. Please R & R
1. Chapter 1

**The Evening Star – Chapter One – The Circumstances of Me **

I'd never given much thought to how I would die – I wasn't even entirely certain I _could_ die – but I suppose that if I had taken the time to consider it, I would have thought that this was a good way to go. In the place of someone else, someone that I love. Surely if there was a god above that watched us, my death would count for something with them. Maybe if I couldn't be forgiven, then at least...

Maybe he could.

That would be enough to make death worth it.

For as long as I can remember (and that is significantly longer than most people can), I knew that I was loved. My very first memories are of my mother's unwavering devotion to me. She had been willing to die, if it meant I would be born safely. Even though I hurt her. Even though she didn't even know me. I'm so very much like her sometimes.

My father's love was not as immediate, nor was it as strong, but still I knew he loved me. He had to, I was part of his Bella. He taught me how to play the piano, and baseball, and how to drive a standard transmission. It isn't his fault that he would rather be a husband than be a father. I know that I was not exactly a _planned for_ child, but he never made me feel like a mistake.

If Edward was unsure sometimes of how to be a parent to me, it was more than made up for by Esme and Carlisle. I could not hope for better role models than my 'grandparents'. Carlisle encouraged me, taught me, he accepted me no matter how odd my behavior or strange my cravings. He was such a constant, so certain of who he was and what he wanted from his life, and all he ever wished for was for me to feel the same self assurance. I always wanted to be more like him, even though I knew I would always fall short. And Esme! She helped me make cookies, even though neither of us ate them. She held me when I was sad. She caught me when I stumbled. She exuded maternal love for me, for Mama, for all of us. I never felt like I was missing anything a 'normal' family would have, mostly because of her.

I knew Esme's heart ached for her scattered children. As I grew older, it seemed that my 'aunts' and 'uncles' got restless and spent more time away from each other. There was no animosity or regret in them about it, just a need to roam free. Although I can't really say for sure, I think that my birth and all that happened before it made them want to see what else there could be to their existence. Rosalie said once that vampires were frozen in time, never moving forward, always the same, year after year, but after seeing all that Mama and Dad went through and the tiny miracle of me, how could they not want to know what else was out there? And I couldn't really begrudge them their desires. There were always messages and emails and letters flying back and forth and they rarely refused me when I wanted to visit them, so it was not like I felt longing for them. For most of them at least. They were as much a part of my life as if they had been right next door. My life with my family had an easy routine.

Winters with my parents in Washington, New York, Alaska or any other number of private places. Mama told me she hated snow before I was born, but once I was here it was an endless parade of snow men, snow angels and snow forts. Sledding. Dad taught me and Mama both how to skate until we could glide across the ice like a family of particularly graceful swans. Home schooling courses which Dad supervised and Mama broke up by making faces and saying that was surely enough for one day. Books, endless books, large libraries in every single house and always time for the three of us to read by a fire. How could a child not feel safe and loved being raised like this?

Fall with Alice in Paris and New York for the fashion shows. I would come back to my parents laden down with boxes and bags and hangers. Most of it I never wore but that wasn't the point. Shopping was the point, trying things on was the point. Actually buying the $400 shoes was entirely beside the point. "It's not about the kill." Alice would whisper to me with a mischievous smile. "It's about the hunt."

Where Alice was the height of fashion at any given moment, Rosalie was stylish and beautiful in a completely different way. She didn't have to try, I guess would be the way to put it. I only ever felt ugly when I was in a room with Rose. But that wasn't her fault and she loved me so much I couldn't hate her for being as beautiful as she was. She taught me nearly as much as Carlisle. Also, she bought me my first Audi. It would be very difficult for me not to adore her. I usually spent the summer with Rosalie and Emmett because there was always an adventure to be had. When I was 14, they took me along on their tour of the autobahn and when I turned 16, Emmett arranged for a safari for the three of us. Dad threatened to ground me when I got home that time, the first and only time that happened, but it was entirely worth it.

I spent the least amount of time with Jasper, which is to say I barely knew him. During the first few months of my life he was absent entirely and he was like a phantom when I was growing up, flitting in to see my parents for a few days and then flitting out again. When I was six he and Alice disappeared entirely for several years. No one would talk to me about it but by eavesdropping here and there I collected that Jasper had 'slipped' again and Alice was taking him somewhere more isolated.

Alice came back though, after a few years.

I didn't see Jasper again until I was 17.

I had been in town with Dad running errands. My parents had just purchased a beautiful lake house in a ritzy 'vacation' neighborhood. We had a stretch of shore and land that we actually owned, a few miles worth, and then basically we had no neighbors until Memorial Day anyway, so naturally Dad loved the place. But it wanted for painting and decorating and we were laden down with wallpaper samples and fabric swatches.

_Why didn't Mama come with us? _I thought in my head as we pulled off the main road onto the private drive.

"Because she doesn't really care what the house looks like." Dad answered with a shrug, turning to smile at me. "Just so long as we're all together in it. And remember to speak out loud, we don't want you getting any bad habits."

I made a face. Even though I had been fully grown for a decade he had a _bad habit_ of treating me like I was a child sometimes. I knew he did it because he loved me and wanted me to have the easiest life I could, but he was also kind of a dick about it sometimes.

...No. I was just cranky, I knew it, but I felt anxious all week. It was like a itch just between my shoulders that I couldn't make go away and it was annoying the hell out of me. If something was going to happen, I wish it would just happen already. Well, I wouldn't have to wait long to get that wish.

We were getting out of the car with our burden of samples when Dad froze. He stood perfectly with his head cocked to the side.

_Dad? _

"Dad?" I cast a worried glance around us. No ninjas. No zombies. No Volturi. Not even a werewolf.

After a minute he shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. "Sorry." He told me apologetically. "We have a visitor."

"A bad visitor?"

"Jasper." He looked equal parts worried and confused. "Wait by the car. I'll tell you when you can come inside." He told me before going in to the house.

That wasn't being a dick about it in the least, not at all. I waited for seven minutes and four seconds before I figured if Jasper was going to kill someone, he would have by now and I wanted to get out of the humid air. I went in, not even trying to be quiet or sneaky about it (not that I really could anyway), and found them in the living room.

I had time to take in the nearly perfectly framed image of them sitting there, my parents on the couch that was facing me and Jasper with his back turned to me in the sofa across from them, their heads all bowed slightly towards each other to signify an intense conversation, before my mother looked up at me.

"Hey Nes. Did you have fun at the store?"

"Yeah, sure." I replied, nodding, trying to sound casual. "I found this cool wallpaper for my room."

"That's good baby. You remember Jasper, right?"

As I approached them, bold now with my mother's invitation to join them, Jasper stood and turned to me. It was a gesture that equal parts greeting and (I had the idea) his discomfort with sitting with a lady entered a room. I got that part from the formal and slightly expectant way he held himself.

"Of course. Hi Jasper."

"Renesmee. You look..." _Adult? Opinionated? Certain old enough to not have to wait outside?_ "...bigger than I recall."

"Well it's kind of been awhile." Only a few sentences and we had reached an awkward point. Was I supposed to hug him? Shake his hand? Any of the other Cullen coven would have been greeted like family but Jasper was...Well it had kind of been awhile. I finally settled for sitting down on the same sofa he had occupied and smiling at him.

Sure enough, once I was sitting, he sat back down too. Now that the formalities were over, I noticed that Dad was glaring at me. We would take about it later, I knew.

"Jasper is going to be staying with us for awhile." Mama said, and I could tell that settled things between the three of them for the moment as well.

For the moment.

That night, I heard them arguing. It wasn't like I could help it, if they wanted privacy they should have gone into the woods or something. But again, we tried to act normal. I tried to return my attention to the book in my hands, but I kept reading the same paragraph over and over again. I finally abandoned my room to go outside onto the porch where I wouldn't be right next to them at least.

Jasper must have had the same notion as he was already out there, leaning against the railing. I gave him an embarrassed look as my Dad said something about the situation not being safe.

"**This might not be safe, Bella. Why take the risk?" **

"**It might not be safe for us to leave the house, but we do that anyway. The world isn't a safe place. "**

"**The world isn't staying in the guest room with Nes right down the hallway." **

"**Jasper wouldn't hurt Nes, Edward, you're being ridiculous. You know she doesn't have enough blood to be..." **

"**It's not just about the blood Bella. I don't want him giving her any ideas. You know how he's been living." **

I cringed when my mother swore at him in reply. "I'm sorry." I said to Jasper. "Maybe you'd like to go for a hunt? The main road dead ends and then it's just woods for miles on that one end. Lots of wildlife." My tone was aimed at being pleasant and hopeful but he shook his head.

"It doesn't bother me. They aren't saying anything that's news to me." It occurred to me that if he wanted to, he could have calmed them both to the point where they wouldn't be fighting anymore, so he must want them to keep going. Maybe it was his way of hearing what they really thought about the idea of him staying.

"No, Dad is being silly."

"He's being protective." Jasper countered. "Don't fault him for it. He is not in favor of my being here, at least not without checking with Alice to see what may happen."

"Makes sense I guess. So why is Mama so against that?"

"Alice would both want to hear news that I am alright and be heartsick to hear my name." He answered truthfully. It was nice to have someone speaking to me so frankly about what was going on around me for once.

"Why aren't you and Alice together anymore?" I pressed him. I knew it was impertinent of me, but I wanted to see how far his truthfulness extended.

"I disappointed her." He said evenly. He made an effort to put no weight behind those words. I still felt it though.

"You fed from a human."

"Among other things. It's very complicated."

"I'll understand when I'm older, right?" I said bitingly.

"No. I just don't think anyone who isn't Alice or I could understand why I chose to release her." He rewarded my sarcasm with more of his steady tone.

"Release her?" Had he...I couldn't even wrap my head around everything that implied. Maybe he had done something horrible after all.

"From taking care of me. She deserves more than that."

"Oh." I couldn't think of more to say in reply and now I felt bad for asking at all. "Um...she seems really happy."

"Good." He nodded.

We turned our attention back to the argument we completely weren't overhearing. My mother delivered the killing blow to it a few minutes later.

** "Why are you so insistent that he stay with us?"** my Dad implored.

"**Because I know what it's like to be abandoned by the Cullens." **she replied in a voice I had never, ever heard from her before. It made me want to cry. **"I remember how to feels to be on the outside. So if he wants to stay, he's staying." **

That was how Jasper came to reconnect with all of us, reuniting the last bits of the people I thought of as family. He wouldn't take up permanent residence with Mama and Dad, or any of the others, but it was as if he were real again, instead of a figment.

And then there was Jacob...


	2. Chapter 2

**The Evening Star – Chapter Two – Destiny and Other Things That Trap You**

My parents worked out a compromise. Jasper was welcome to stay with them at the lake house as long as he wished, but it would be best if I went to stay with Jacob for a week or two until things were settled.

"What things?" I asked my mother. I didn't like the idea of being sent away, no matter what the circumstances.

"Edward and I just want some time to talk to Jasper and make sure he will be alright here."

"Meaning, not kill the townsfolk and drink their blood?"

She laughed at that so it was hard to stay so mad at her, then her face turned serious again. "He's had a rough time lately. Nobody really knows what's going on with him but he's been living on his own for awhile. Just give us a little bit of time with him to make sure he can adjust to being around people again. I'm not shipping you off because I don't think you can protect yourself."

"Dad is." I countered.

"Dad is because he worries about you." She wrapped me up in her strong arms. My chin rested on her shoulder, I had been taller than my mother since I was 10 but I still loved the feeling of being enveloped by her. "He doesn't know what he would do if anything happened to you, so humor him, okay kid?"

"Okay Mama." I nodded with my head against her hair. "Please give Jasper a fair chance of staying here."

"You want him to stay?" she asked, rubbing my back.

"He's lonely." I think he needed to be around us. I'd hate it if he were sent off on his own again. "I know I don't really know him like you and Dad do, but he has been so nice to me since he got here, I can tell he is really trying to get in our good graces. It would be a shame to just give up on him."

"Oh sweetie." she squeezed me tightly. "Nobody is giving up on anyone. But Jasper is not a homeless kitten and there's stuff you just don't understand. Trust us to handle this in the best way. I don't want to see him go off by himself either."

Since my mother seemed to be on Jasper's side, I really did try to trust that he wouldn't be gone by the time they let me come back. It was really weird for me to be so insistent on him remaining our guest but the kitten comparison was not far off. He seemed lost and he was a member of our coven, it wouldn't be right to kick him out just because he made us a little nervous.

I left him and my parents and went to stay with Jacob.

If the relationship I was developing with the near stranger Jasper was odd, then my association with Jacob was indefinably bizarre. I didn't know anyone, vampire, werewolf or human that I could really talk to about it. During my flight I tried to make sense of it in my head.

Before I was born, Jacob thought he was in love with my mother and more or less wished my father a painful death. His heart had been broken by them both in Mama choosing Edward and by her decision to become a vampire after their marriage. After I was born, like right after, he imprinted on me and suddenly his pain was lessened. He still loved my mother (and always would) but I was the important one in his life. Because of his imprint, the Quileute shape shifters and the Cullen clan had a continue truce and a sort of alliance. So it was not just something between the two of us, but a bridge between our families. No pressure there.

Jacob was actually pretty good about not putting pressure on me, when I was younger at least. While I was maturing, he showered me with presents and attention but always in a familial way. I did like his gifts because I could tell how much thought he put in to them, rather than just getting me something easy. He was fun to be around and managed to be protective of me without it feeling stifling. So I thought that Jacob, Jake, was a great man and I felt lucky to have him as a friend. I tried not to hate him for the way he looked at me now, like I was something he was waiting to devour.

It was not his fault he imprinted on me.

Just as I was reaching my 'fully grown' state, Grandma Sue had tried explaining the whole things to me from the Quileute perspective but she just managed to make me feel worse.

"But what if I don't _**want**_ to be Jacob's mate?" I had asked.

She shrugged, stirring the soup pot that was on the stove, "You will. That's just the way it works."

"But...but what if I fall in love with someone else? What if he does? He's had to wait for me since I was a baby for Christ's sake, that's got to be frustrating. A perfectly nice, pretty, funny girl could have passed him by while he was waiting for me to grow boobs. And ….what about me? I'm some sort of weird half breed thing. I could only want to be with vampires. Or, I could be a lesbian. What then?" I challenged.

To my absolute fury at the time, she had chuckled at me. "You're over thinking it. What if, what if, what if. What if the world stops turning? You and Jacob will love each other but he will wait until you are ready. You will have those feelings for him because of your bond but they will be your feelings. You picked him as much as he picked you."

"Not true! I was the imprintee, not the imprinter."

"You are joined to each other. Is it really so bad? Jake's a good boy. He's a hard worker. He will give you a good life. And I'll tell you something else," she offered me a spoon to taste the soup and even though I much preferred my sustenance to be warm and struggling, I took a polite slurp of it, "when Jake was your age, he felt exactly the same as you do. He thought the whole thing was unfair and barbaric."

"Really?"

"Yep. Then it happened to him and now, he gets it. You will too. Now go tell Charlie dinner's ready."

I know she thought that letting me know Jacob had hated the idea would make me see how compatible we were, but it didn't. I actually felt so much worse because this bond seemed to have taken away his choice in the matter too. The fact that imprinting had changed his tune on something he was so passionately against frightened me to no end. But if he was against our being together eventually, he never showed it.

As I drove my rental car up to his house, he was all smiles waiting for me. I heard my Dad's voice in my head wondering why he didn't have a shirt on, but the point is that is he was so happy to see me. I was lifted off the ground and spun around the minute I shut the car door behind me.

"Nessie!" He kissed both cheeks and my lips quickly before setting me down. "I missed you. How are you?"

"Okay. I'm sorry I'm getting dumped on you like this."

"Don't be stupid, I'm glad you're here. Come on, let's put your stuff in your room."

I had maintained a bedroom in Jacob's house for as long as he had owned his own place. Over the years it shifted from white wicker and pink to velvet and purples, but I appreciated that he set aside a space just for me. In the same breath, I also silently dreaded the expectation I knew hung in the air, that one day we would share a room anyway so me having a bed here was no big deal. I was silently grateful that my bags went into the purple bedroom and not Jake's across the hallway.

"So are you hungry? We can hunt or maybe you want to visit Charlie and Sue?"

I shook my head. "I'm a little worn out."

"Okay, we can stay here." He rubbed my arm, then my back. His skin burned like fire on mine. I took a step away from him and suggested a movie or some TV, but that didn't help any. Once we were on the couch he was touching me again, not pushing anything at all, but his hands were constant somewhere on my arms, or my legs, or my face.

"Jake I'm real, trust me. You don't have to keep checking."

"Sorry." He shook his head, clearing the cobwebs. "I just...I really missed you. I really miss you all the time."

"I missed you too." I assured him. I had.

That was enough for him, for that night. We spent a few really good together, he took me hunting and I got to see my grandfather. It had been hard to be in Forks the past few years, until my age legally caught up to my appearance physically, so now that I could go anywhere I wanted, I got to do some fun stuff with Jake. But there was always the touching, the hand holding and the kisses.

I didn't exactly mind. It didn't make me feel bad, it made me feel pressured. I tried to think how Jake must feel, since obviously he was on green while I was still idling on yellow. I tried to be open to it even, not frowning or pulling away. I really, very sincerely tried because I know how much it meant to him.

I hit my limit on the fifth day of my visit. I was in the kitchen, wondering how much I would hate the strawberries in the fridge if I tasted them. They looked yummy. They smelled good. But the taste would never compare to the rich coppery spill I craved. Jake came up behind me and put his arms around my waist.

"What're you up to?"

"Guessing if I'd like the strawberries or not." I replied, wiggling a little bit but not running from his arms. "Probably taste like crap."

"Not true." he argued. "You taste like strawberries and it's delicious." Then he kissed me, and it was not a small chaste kiss like he usually bestowed. This one was hungry and searching, forcing me to part my lips to him or they would be parted for me. His arms were turning me around so he could clutch at me and crush my body to his, making me feel like I was at the center of the sun. I pushed him away from me and he slammed into the counter behind us, splintering the wood top.

"What the hell, Jake?!"

"I'm...I'm sorry, Nessie. Sorry." He held up his hands in front of him in a gesture of surrender. He was scared of me and it made me feel ashamed.

"No, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, all still here." He tried to be cute about it but failed. I could see the way his muscles were tensed, ready to fight or flee.

"I'll be in my room." I told him, doing the fleeing for both of us. I shut the door, hard, and fell onto the bed. I was angry. I was pissed the hell off. I was furious with Jake about that kiss. I was livid with myself for acting the way I did. I wanted to rip apart the room. I could literally do that, until there was nothing but dust and splinters. I had to control it though. My arms crossed themselves. My fingernails dented into my flesh. I tried to stay as still as possible until I calmed down. When I heard Jake leave on his motorcycle, I waited until I was sure he was clear and then I called my mom.

"Hey Nes. How's stuff going?" she asked as she picked up the phone.

"Um, not too good." I hesitated. "I sort of had a fight with Jake."

"A fight? Are you okay? Did he hurt you?"

"No, I'm fine. A counter top gave its life though."

She sighed with relief. "What happened?"

"I kissed me and I pushed him." When she didn't say anything, I figured she was giving me a chance to talk things out, so I continued. "I haven't really talked about it, or thought about it, because, you know, Dad, but the last few times I've gone to see Jake, stuff has been different between us. He's very...eager. He hasn't forced me to do anything." I added quickly, before she brought down the hammer of god upon him. "But he's always touching me and stuff. Then tonight I was in the kitchen and he kissed me and it was not a little kiss. It was a kiss in all capital letters. I pushed him into the counter. That was stupid. He's fine though, big tough werewolf."

There was still just silence for a minute or so then Mama asked where Jake was now and I told her he left. "I feel bad about shoving him, but he shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry if he is sexually frustrated or whatever but it's not my job to take care of that. I guess he may have thought it was okay because I've been trying to be more open about all the physical attention. He probably thinks I led him on." Now I felt completely shitty about my behavior.

"Oh sweetheart. You should have said something. We wouldn't have asked you to go there if we knew this was going on."

"I know." I hung my head even though she couldn't see it. "I just figured that this was between Jake and I and that you and Dad didn't need to hear about any of it, because of your...history."

"Do you want me to come and get you?"

"No." As angry as I was, I didn't want her to murder Jake, which seemed like a distinct possibility. "I think I need to stay and talk to him about it. Maybe I was sending him mixed signals or something."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Thanks Mama. I love you."

"Love you too baby."

Once I hung up with her, I felt better. I didn't even realize I had forgotten to ask after Dad and Jasper until later. Now that I felt safe to move, I paced back and forth, waiting for Jake to return and planning my words very carefully. I left the Quileute land for a quick hunt and feasted on a mole or two to calm my nerves. Then more pacing. When Jake finally came back, I had come to two conclusions.

First, he deserved an apology. I couldn't fault him for thinking that kind of kiss was okay since I had never told him how uncomfortable all of his normal actions made me. I really had led him on and that was pretty fucked up of me.

Because, secondly, I didn't love him, not the way I think he loved me. This wasn't news. But I didn't think it was a question of waiting until I was ready to have those feelings. I didn't think I would ever be able to be in love with Jacob Black.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Evening Star – Chapter Three – Honest Lies **

"Hey." Jake said cautiously.

"Hi." I answered with the same hesitation.

"We should probably talk." I continued at the same time that he said, "I think we need to talk." Both of us smiled and it broke the tension enough for Jake to be able to sit down and me to sit down next to him. We looked at each other expectantly.

"You first." he told me.

_Jake, I don't think I love you. Not the way that you love me. _

_I'm sorry my Mom dumped you almost twenty years ago but like mother, like daughter I guess. _

_I hate to be a horrible person and rip out your heart but this is better for you in the long run. _

_Maybe you need to find a nice werewolf girl. _

_I can't pretend this is going to go somewhere. _

_I just can't do this anymore. Period. _

All of that ran through my head. I wanted to blurt it all out and feel free. But looking in to his eyes, I couldn't bring any of the words to my lips. I wasn't in love with him, but I loved him. If anyone ever hurt him the way I thought my words might, I would tear their throats out and bathe in their blood. I knew Jake deserved better than any of those words, better than me right now, but I couldn't say it.

"No, you first."

"Okay." He breathed deeply. "I think I've been unfair to you lately. I've been pushing things more and more. If you're not ready I'm sorry. It's just so hard for me to wait. You've grown up in to this amazingly beautiful, smart, caring woman that I want to..." he blushed, "I want to kiss, I want to hold, I want to make love to. You're mine, Nessie, and it's hard for me not to act like it."

He said all of that without presumption. It was simply the way he felt, no right or wrong or blame in any of it. Why did he have to be so...so fucking nice? Why couldn't he be a bastard about things so I could get pissy and leave? That would be so much easier.

I took his hand in mine. His palm was almost twice as big as my tiny one, but I tried to wrap my fingers around his. I looked us, intertwined. Why did I have to fight this? "I think it might be a good idea if we don't see each other for awhile."

"What?!"

"You want me to be ready, and I'm not."

Suddenly his hand was over mine, trapping mine. He squeezed it, and I couldn't tell if he was trying to hold on or trying to hurt me. "Let go."

"Never." He said resolutely.

"Jake, let go of me. I don't want you to touch me right now."

"Why?" His other hand came up and brushed my cheek. It was gentle but I shied away from it. If I wanted to, I could make him let me go. I could hurt him very badly. He would heal, he was a shape shifter. But that wouldn't prevent pain.

I was angry that none of this was going the way that I wanted to. I was angry that I even had to be here. I was angry that I was explaining myself, again, when I shouldn't have to. I thought about the kiss earlier, how it had made me feel, and all the little kisses and touches before that, how they made my skin feel cold and my stomach hurt. The way his insistence would make a sunny day cloudy.

He released me, which was what I had wanted him to, but when I dared to look at him again I knew why. It was because I was so upset. I hadn't just thought about all those things, I had also 'shown' them to Jake. Now he saw what he looked like to me, I guess.

"I really make you feel that way?" he asked. It was a genuine question. He looked as sick as I felt.

I nodded, speechless.

"Shit, Nessie." He slumped, looking defeated. All the fight was drained from him and he just seemed...so sad. So unbearably sad. "I love you."

"I know you do. I know you don't mean to make me so uncomfortable."

"I can't believe this is happening again." he said, more to himself than me.

"What?" I prompted.

"With your Mom, when we were younger, I did the same thing." He looked embarrassed. "I thought I loved her and that if I just made her see that, there was no way she wouldn't love me back. I felt like I was watching her just careen towards disaster, running around with-um, your Dad, and I had to save her. So I pushed her, constantly. I knew she didn't feel the same way as me but it didn't matter. And now, I'm doing the same thing with you."

"But I'm not careening towards anything." I told him. "I'm just trying to figure out my life."

He just hung his head. I wanted so badly to love him the way he needed. What the fuck was wrong with me that I couldn't? All that hate I was feeling was pointed right back at me now.

"Nessie you're right." he said finally, after it felt like hours had passed. "We shouldn't be around each other right now."

"Um, pardon?" I didn't think I was hearing that right.

"If I really come across as...the guy I just saw in your mind, no wonder you don't know how you feel. You've never gotten to decide. So why don't we," he paused again and his voice cracked. "Not see each other for awhile. I won't bother you. I won't call you. That way, you can make your own choice."

"Are you sure?" I swallowed.

"Yeah." He nodded, shuffled his feet, twitched nervously.

"What if-"

He tried to look nonchalant about it. "You'll be back. You're my imprint." He voice sounded solid. He stood up, holding himself together visibly. "I'm going to go to bed. If you want to leave before I wake up, I understand."

He left me sitting there.

The minute I got home, they knew.

I had planned on at least trying not to tell them, but it was no good. It was written plain on my face, and, you know, my brain. The first words my Dad said to me were, "I'll kill him."

"No, Dad, it was my idea." Since he was looking anyway, I let him see what had happened.

"I'll kill him anyway."

"Edward, stop it." Mama told him, but she didn't look angry. She hugged me tightly. "You should have just come home sooner."

"Maybe." I agreed. "I really don't want to talk about it."

My father opened his mouth again but Mama hushed him with a death glare and walked me into the house. Even though we both knew he could still hear us, she whispered to me "Don't worry. I won't let him do anything stupid."

"Like what?" I whispered back as she walked me to my room.

"Homicide?" she answered, and it made me smile.

I wanted to ask my mother about the things Jake had said, how he had pushed her and that was why my Dad had won out, but I also wanted to just try and forget the last few days. I'm sure soon I'd feel either heartsick and regretful or giddy with freedom. Right now though, I didn't want to feel anything at all. I let Mama tuck me in to my bed, even though it was daylight out, and I tried to block out the lights and sounds around me. Maybe if I tried really hard, I could just stop existing for awhile.

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to the darkness of night. There was a plate on my nightstand with a grilled cheese sandwich on it. Even though I wasn't really hungry, I picked it up to munch on. I knew Mama must have left it, it was something a normal mother (of a normal child) would have done so I bet she couldn't help herself. The sandwich was cold so it must have sat for awhile. I wondered what time it was.

I sat up and decided I needed a shower, then maybe a hunt. I was even less hungry after the sandwich but I really wanted to kill something. That was probably healthy. Once I was clean, I escaped in to the woods and killed the first animal I came across, a buck. I wrestled it to the ground and sank my mouth in to the throat, shaking my head furiously to tear the skin and was rewarded with a hot splash of blood against my tongue.

The blood pumped with the thudding of the beast's heart, spilling itself in a frantic pace. Every mouthful brought a painful thought and each swallow chased it away.

I had no idea what was going to happen to me. That was being over dramatic, certainly, but it was also true. My life had always been planned around my being with Jake eventually. I hadn't seen a lot of the world because Jake couldn't usually come with us and he didn't like me being so far away. I could travel if I wanted to. I could buy a boat and sail around the world. I could study art in Europe. I could have an affair with a dark stranger.

Right, while Jacob Black waited at home, convinced I would realize how much I loved him and come running back. I could, I guess. What he said about me needing to make a choice made sense, but I didn't see it turning out that way. If I were honest with him and myself, I would just break it off permanently, no matter what would happen. I just couldn't bring myself to yet. I didn't know what that would do to him, or shit, what that would do to the truce with the werewolves around Forks. Would they hunt us? Would they do something to Charlie?

My head started spinning. So many ifs. I dropped the animal's body and pushed myself against a tree, feeling the bark scrape my back through my shirt. I hadn't even thought about the werewolves. Or my grandfather. I didn't think they would hurt him...at least, not on purpose, but if he said something to Jake and it set him off... or what if one of the coven wanted to use the house in Forks? Would we still be allowed to? And, what about Mama? She was acting supportive but Jake had been her friend for pretty much her entire life. What did she _really_ think about all of this?

I ran through every scenario I could think of, every horrible outcome and was convinced I had forgotten a few hundred possibilities. The one I kept coming back to was what if Jake really **was** the one for me and I had just ruined it. What if he was the best I would ever have and now I had made things between us impossible. What if I was forced to be alone forever?

A cold panic was welling deep within me at the thought of that until it was extinguished, as suddenly as it had come on. I felt peaceful and calm, overwhelmingly so. Intrusively so. Like someone was about to drown me in a bucket of positivity.

I turned my head and there was Jasper.

"Sorry about that." he said when he saw me glaring. "Your parents are worried. They wanted me to come find you."

"So they don't think you're going to slaughter me or lead me in to a life of sin anymore?"

He paused, his brow furrowing. "No, they still think that."

Was that a joke? "But they sent you because...?"

"I volunteered." He approached me, hands up in front of him to show that he was harmless. "I thought my gift would be of use as it could allow you to think clearly, if that was what you wanted." He stopped and looked slightly uncomfortable, like he would blush if he could. "I also know there may be things you wouldn't want to say to your parents but you can say them to me, if you want."

I bit my lip, deciding what to say, if anything at all. What couldn't I talk to Mama or Dad about? What would I be too embarrassed to ask Rose or Alice?

Or, what did I really want someone to tell me the truth about right now?

"Jasper," I said finally, "what do you think about me and Jake?" He knew the story, at least most of it, as he had been present since the beginning and seemed to have a fair grasp on what was going on right now. "Do you think me being his imprint is...weird?" I finished lamely.

"Frankly," he sat next to me, his back just touching the tree that mine was against, "excuse my language, but I think it's a bunch horse shit."

I laughed out loud. Honesty was what I had wanted, after all. "What do you mean, horse shit?" I replied, seeing if he would reprimand me for swearing. He was my elder, after all.

I was a little disappointed that his answer was so serious. "There are things I could tell Jacob Black about vampires that would turn his hair white and things he could not begin to understand, even if he lived a thousand years. Maybe imprinting is like that. I may not ever understand it because I am not a shape shifter, nor have I ever been one. But to me, you being his imprint doesn't make a lick of sense."

His voice twanged and I thought it sounded melodic when it did. He spoke a little faster as he continued and I felt an anger that wasn't mine. "When my family left Forks because of me, Edward thought he was right in trying to convince Bella to move on from him. He wanted her to be happy. I disagree with the method but the intention was a good one. Suddenly this damn mutt...apologies for the language...marks your mother like she's a tree stump he pissed on. I thought I was going to have to put him down before the wedding. I thought it was best to do just that, actually, but Edward said it would have broken Bella's heart so I let him live. And then there was you."

My eyes were wide as I listened to him. "Bella had pledged herself to my coven brother, even though she cared about the werewolf. She was his bridge and took his name. When she bore his child and was reborn as a vampire, she had finally moved beyond Jacob's hands. She would never be his. Suddenly, he imprints on her infant daughter, giving him a reason to wedge himself in to Bella's life for as long as he lived, giving him a say in where she went and who she associated herself with, because he was protecting him imprint. It's all a might bit too convenient for him, if you ask me."

He went on and at some point he must have stopped and realized I was crying, because his calming influence pushed at me. I grit my teeth and fought against it, wanting to keep sobbing. I felt a strong hand touch my arm, and when I didn't flinch, arms around me, pulling me away from the tree and towards him. I was flush against his chest suddenly and being choked by good vibes once again. Being so close to him gave me no choice but to accept them. "What did I say?" he asked.

"I just never thought about it that way." I wept, slurring the words. "Do you really think he used me that way? You think he did that to me my whole life just so he could keep scoping on my mother?"

"Yes. But you have freed yourself from that now. Why does it make you so sad?"

"It makes me feel worthless."

"I don't understand."

"Yeah, I get that." I sat up a little bit, wiping my eyes. "How can you manipulate emotions but be so dense about them?" My tone wasn't harsh, it was anything but.

"I don't have a great deal of experience with broken hearts. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you so much."

"It's okay." I nodded. "You just told me the truth, that's what I wanted so don't worry about it."

"I do, and I will." He reached out and wiped the last bits of moisture from my cheeks. "You've been nice to me, although you have no reason to be, and you're not afraid of me, although you have every reason to be. I'm practically a stranger to you yet you trust me. Look what I've done to someone that trusts me."

"It's okay." I repeated. I stood up but he caught my hand as I rose away from him. Looking back down, I saw his eyes were focused on me, dead serious.

"You are anything but worthless." he said. "How can I convince you of that?"


End file.
